When someone leaves a job, their former co-workers are often expected to pick up the slack in addition to their regular duties. I have been in this situation before so I know how annoying it can be.

That is why I have felt so bad recently for Neosho County employees. With several people choosing to resign from their jobs at the county, employees are trying to do all that needs to be done under some very trying circumstances. Since I spend plenty of time talking to county employees during the long executive sessions at fun-filled five-hour County Commission meetings, I see all the extra work that these people are doing. The general state of morale in the county seems pretty low, and having these jobs vacant for long is not going to help.

That is why I am generously offering my services as a new undesignated county employee, who could be plugged into any of these open positions. I could be put into any county job and work until a suitable replacement is found.

I have a long history of applying for jobs for which I have no real qualifications. In the past, I have applied for Chanute City Manager, PR professional for local utilities, and film adviser for the local Substance Abuse Task Force. None of these entities saw fit to hire me for these important tasks. Whoever makes the hiring decisions for them must have lost my telephone number and email address.

I have never sought employment with the county though, which is odd considering all of the hours I spend with those Commissioners every week. Sitting through these long weekly meetings already makes me feel like I am at the whim of County Commissioners. I may as well take some money in addition to letting them take so much my time.

Some of the open jobs in the county right now are in the county clerk and treasurer offices, as well as the noxious weed and environmental safety department, and the County Appraiser. I may lack the specific education and training that would be necessary to hold these positions, but not knowing a lot about what county employees actually do on a day-to-day basis would make me fit in pretty well at Commission meetings.

I feel I would do a decent job at pretending I know what I’m doing. My skill at looking at a computer screen like I’m concerned about something whenever a boss walks by would serve me well in any office position. I can also count money, use a calculator, and occasionally say sarcastically nice things about Commissioners.

The county appraiser’s job might be slightly more complicated, as I have no real expertise in how property value is determined. However, I am pretty good at guessing the prices of items when I watch the “The Price is Right.” If a property value was particularly difficult to determine, I would just do what our last appraiser did: hire some out-of-state company to do my job for me, and let them take all the blame if anyone disputes the assessment. My expertise at delegating responsibility and blaming things on others would serve me very well in this position.

I don’t have much relevant experience at dealing with environmental safety, although I’m pretty sure I once bought some noxious weed in the parking lot of a Phish concert. The way I see it, interviewing local politicians likely requires exactly the same skills as handling toxic materials.

I also have a long list of leadership positions at the newspaper, on barroom trivia teams, in the local cigar society, and at the local denomination of the St. NFL church. 

I could use my talents to compose many entertaining government memos and reports to be read aloud at Commission meetings. Providing these kinds of services to the county would surely make hiring me for this job worth the money.

I would only charge the county $34,999 a month to fill this role. While that may seem high to most taxpayers, this amount is actually less than the total in legal bills that County Commissioners didn’t even seem to notice that they were paying until recently. Our county could evidently afford to shell out this kind of money for a while without anyone actually noticing that it was gone.  

If the Commissioners didn’t want to pay this in cash, I would also accept payments in forms that they might have more appreciation for like frequent biscuits-and-gravy breakfasts or gift cards to Hooters. I assume I wouldn’t be able to accept a county credit card payment.

The County Commissioners know where I can be reached whenever they want to sensibly offer me this job, but they may want to hurry up. With the lack of leadership that county employees have seen as of late, there will surely be more open county positions soon that need someone like me to fill them.

Please send all questions, comments, hate mail, marriage proposals or invitations to put me in cushy government positions that I am in no way qualified for to brian@chanute.com


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